It was Dad’s birthday a couple of weeks ago. I spent the day at a mounted games competition with the riders he trained previously. He would’ve been very proud of them all and it’s a real shame he can’t be there to see them this year.

I took the following day off and went to see him and give him his birthday card:

Happy Birthday Dad. I miss you so much. Yesterday didn’t feel right without you, but you would’ve been really proud of them. And Lielie gave Jacob a bit of a surprise when she went into competition mode!!

I really want to make you proud by doing a good job with the games kids and our own horses, and looking after the land well. I’m finding it so hard to find the energy to do more than the bare minimum though. And I’ve got such a short temper now – I think you left yours behind in me! I really want to fix that. I need to.

I want all the rubbish stuff to be over so I can concentrate on the important stuff. I want you to have a legacy, so people know of all the things that wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for you.

And I want to give James a break. I know it’s crap for me dealing with all this rubbish but I forget that he is basically in the dark and has no idea, and at the same time is trying to help me, either by letting me deal with it or helping me where he can.

I feel so alone. I never realised how alike we were until now. I know I’ve got plenty of people around who want to help, but there’s only so much they can do. They can’t stop me missing you.

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