Merry Christmas. It’s been a weird one this year: definitely the least prepared, most disorganised I’ve been for a while. I’ve had other things on my mind like leaving my job and uprooting my life so I’m a tad preoccupied.
But it has also just been a strange day. I haven’t felt very ‘up’. Of course, having a melt down about the dogs just before I went to bed last night wasn’t helpful. I cried really hard. I blame it on the gin. Then there’s the videos I’ve been watching about Asperger’s in girls, hitting very close to home, making me wonder if that’s why I often feel so awkward and out of place.
I don’t know if they are the reasons I’ve been so quiet and distant today because I’ve been like this for a while. I had a great summer with my nephew: we had loads of fun doing loads of activities, and I haven’t done a whole lot since. I’ve spent almost every weekend alone and at home for 4 months. I’ve kicked myself for a lot of that because if I don’t make plans, I waste my time and then I get angry with myself for it. But I haven’t really wanted to spend that time with anyone: just not doing nothing.
How I’ve been today and in the last few months leads me to today’s post title. I feel so different from everyone I know that my safe space is alone (or alone with kitties or horses). I have so little in common with the people I know, not just different, but at odds with them: like I’m a vegan in the middle of farming country. I’ve lost touch with anyone with a similar taste in music. I have maybe two friends with similar taste in films, and they’re both married with babies. I’m trying to avoid social media in a world that seemingly lives there. I’m not even going to start on politics.
I feel like I have to bite my tongue all the time, because when I don’t, I piss people off, I hurt their feelings, and often I end up feeling even more isolated. Quite often I feel lonely just being me, and that can be made worse when I’m surrounded by people who are so different from me. At least if it’s just me and the kitties or me and the horses, I can freely be myself, in my safe space.
I’d like to have friends with similar values: that feels like the best starting point. That’s why it’s quite high on my list for when I move: find the places and join the groups based on values first, then worry about interests later. I think the rest would be easier to handle then.
I don’t feel like I should be that weird or unique that it’s hard to find more people like me. I just don’t think it’s that easy around here.