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Depression Other

The Move

Blondie is redecorating my room. His room now. It took me quite a while to say OK and I’m still a bit uncomfortable about it. Despite all the time I’ve spent moving my stuff out and that I’ve slept at Nain’s for a couple of nights, it’s the fact that he’s redecorating my room that makes the move feel permanent.

So why am I taking is so badly? I guess partly because it’s been my home for nearly 10 years, which is longer than I’ve lived anywhere else. It’s the base I returned to after each of my big trips and from university. I decorated it my way, with my own furniture. And I love the house. I’m gutted to be leaving it, even if it’s not being sold and I may well return some day. Who knows when that’ll be?

But I think the biggest problem is that I feel like my life is going backwards. I’m back in the house I was in 10 years ago as a teenager, dependent on everyone around me again because I can’t afford to support myself. Only now I have more qualifications, more debt and apparently fewer prospects.

I know that isn’t hugely different from the past 12 months, and I know it’s only a temporary move to Nain’s, but the move itself is making my situation more real, and more depressing.

It would be completely different if I was moving into a place I was renting or buying, a place that I was moving to due to work commitments or simply because I wanted to and was in a position to.

I can only hope that soon I will find a job that will allow me such simple pleasures as being able to pay my own way.


Blogger’s Block

I’ve been thinking and ranting and getting angry and passionate about lots recently, but I just haven’t been able to get it down for some reason. And unfortunately this is stretching as far as my dissertation proposal and preparation, which I’m really struggling with, and I’m in danger of fucking up my good grades.

So, here goes. Time to write things down and hopefully I’ll stop dwelling on things and have time to concentrate on important things.

My living situation.
This is really stressing me out. I have a lodger who grates on me pretty badly. I can’t get rid of him because Mum relies on him to pay off her mortgage, and as she is currently not charging me rent, I’m hardly in a position to complain. So at present, I don’t feel like my house is my home, and the idea of him being around when I get home stresses me out because I’ll have to converse with him. It’s not that he isn’t nice to me: he is. But there is a major personality clash. For one thing, I don’t get through a bottle and a half of vodka in a day. For another, I don’t think it’s appropriate to discuss porn with a 12-yr old (even if they were my own child).

Mum told me the other day that she was considering selling,but was worried about me having somewhere to live. Even though I love my house, I would never expect her to hold onto the house just for me, unless I could afford to pay everything she pays (which I couldn’t even if I was earning money!). I would need quite a big place to fit all my stuff though. And I’d have to decide what furniture to keep. Hopefully she’ll decide what to do before I really get to work on the garden here.

Jobseekers’ Allowance.
So I signed on a few weeks ago, and a couple of days afterwards I got 5 days work with my ex-employers. I contacted the Jobcentre to say I had temporary work (because you’re supposed to tell them about any changes) and they told me I didn’t need to call. I went in for my meeting the following day, and was told that because I’d been working full time, I had to sign off. Even though it was only temporary. Then I have to sign back on again, go through the same meeting, and sign the same ‘my responsibilities’ form.

Nothing has changed in the two weeks since my last meeting! I get that they don’t want to pay me for the week I worked, but what ridiculous bureaucracy for me to have to go through the same process again. Is this really the best system they could come up with? Are we surprised that these people lost benefit details on the train?

Unsurprisingly, my benefits are yet to be processed, but the letter telling me I’m no longer in receipt of them came pretty quickly!

Fucking useless system. No wonder people cheat benefits.

Work and money.
As you may have gathered from the above rant, I’m not exactly in a great financial situation. I’m struggling to motivate myself to find work for the next month until I go away, but at the same time I have nothing. I’m trying to stay positive about work after Japan, but obviously I might have to move. I have to start paying off my loan in October so I have to find something.

I get depressed about my lack of career direction – still. But then I think I’m only 27, I still have at least 30 years work left. Do I really need to be in a hurry? Do I really need a direction, or is it better just to enjoy what I do, and earn enough to pay for what I need and want? I don’t exactly have expensive taste, so I don’t need much.

I keep thinking about New Zealand. Going back and working. If I can afford a flight, I reckon I can earn enough to pay off my loan. Or doing a TEFL and going to Spain. Get paid to teach English and improve my Spanish at the same time.

But mostly I try to avoid thinking about what will happen if I don’t get a job from October.

And I think that’s enough now. Blogger’s block over, floodgates opened. For now at least.

Disaster Management


So I’ve been thinking recently, about education and work and stuff, and come to an interesting conclusion. If I were to do it all over again, I might not have gone to university first time around. I think I probably would have worked to raise money to travel and volunteer abroad. And maybe carried on doing that, and doing courses like PADI and Mountain Leader and languages and whatever.

At the moment I feel like I’m the most educated, the most in debt, but the least qualified I’ve ever been. I know this obviously isn’t the case, but when I’m applying for jobs and getting no response, and getting further into debt, I can’t really help but feel that way.

I feel like my next step is to work and do courses like search and rescue, and then probably volunteer abroad again. And I could easily have done that without either degree! So really, where have they got me? I honestly think I would’ve just been better off going for experience.

So anyone reading this who’s still in school or considering university, think long and hard about it. And don’t do it just because it’s expected or just because you’re intelligent. Don’t assume it’s the only option. Obviously there are some jobs you need a degree for, like medicine or law. And if you know that you want that, then by all means do it.

But don’t be afraid to take a bit longer deciding what you want.