Showing: 1 - 15 of 19 RESULTS
Depression Horses Other

168 Hours

168 hours in a week.

  • 56 hours sleeping.
  • 10 hours commuting.
  • 43 hours in work.
  • 14 hours walking dogs.
  • 10 hours bathing, showering, doing hair, make up.
  • 12 hours eating.
  • 3 hours checking horses.

Leaving 20 hours. I’ll admit, I thought I had more time left. But still, what do I do with it? Mostly Facebook, Pinterest, TV. Occasionally see friends and family.

However, I think I need to make a real effort to put some of those 20 hours to good use, to be productive.

Depression Other

I feel like my head is going to explode. I’ve always dealt with my problems by myself. A few months ago a friend of mine suggested I might be depressed and could benefit from antidepressants. It surprised me that he was the only one to suggest that, because I felt like I’d been in a daze for so long.

I feel like I’ve been better since then: maybe I’ve had stuff to concentrate on and keep my mind off ‘my mind’. But recently I’ve started to go downhill again, and maybe I need some help. I’m sad, I’m angry, I can’t concentrate. I feel like I’m always putting a lid on how I’m really feeling and biting my tongue.

This living situation is killing me. I love my grandparents very much, but I’m really struggling to live with them. Sometimes they treat me like I’m 8, not 28. They can’t just give me space, they have to mention the fact that they’re giving me space. The TV is always loud. When they bicker I feel like I’m a kid again, trying to pretend I can’t hear Mum and Dad bickering. They try to do stuff to make me happy, which I don’t want and really don’t deserve. They act like me taking on Dad’s stuff is this massive burden, and oh poor me having to do it because there’s no one else; but it’s really not that big a deal and making out that it is just winds me up.

But I can’t say anything because they’re doing me a huge favour in providing me a free place to live when I have no money.

My dissertation is really getting me down. I don’t feel like I have anywhere comfortable to work. I just don’t see how I’m going to come up with anything that makes sense and provides me with a good grade. I feel like I should just take the PG Diploma. I’ve got no motivation to finish the dissertation. I don’t understand how to do the policy analysis. I’ve got no idea what to do about interviews, and if I do any, then I have to fucking transcribe them.I need to sort myself out.

Other

Zac Efron

I have a huge crush on Zac Efron, but am not a big fan of his films. Hairspray was pretty damn good, but he was only about 19 in that. I have no interest in sitting through High School Musical (and he was even younger in that). Tonight I watched 17 Again, expecting to have to force myself through an abysmal film. But it was actually OK. In fact I think I could probably sit through it again when I feel the need for another 2 hours of Zac.

Other

I’ve always changed my personality depending on who I’m hanging out with, but I’m really frustrated about it at the moment. In uni, I feel like I’m quite bubbly and outgoing, at least with the course group. I get along with them really well and I feel really comfortable.

But coming home, I feel quite suppressed. Is it because everyone here knows a quieter me and I feel like I would be fake if I was any different? Is it that I have more in common with the course group so it’s more comfortable?

It is a difficult group to shine in because there are so many big personalities, but I don’t want to just be the girl in the corner who laughs at everyone’s jokes. I’d like to make a few myself (difficult with so many funny people!) and bring some interesting conversation to the table.

I stopped being teetotal in March but I’m considering it as a resolution again this year. I would really hate for that to affect my personality. The aim last time was to prove I could be fun and have a good time without it, which I mostly did (although I saved the table dancing until I was drinking again). I hope I can do it again.

Other

It feels like its been a while since I fancied someone of my own accord. Most guys have told me they liked me while I hadn’t really given them a second thought. Then I decide to give them a chance and within a couple of weeks the dynamic has changed, I like them and they don’t seem to give a shit anymore.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to fancy someone for more than just their looks. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever fancied someone in that way. I’ve always been confused about the guys who I fell for because of their personality, because I never really felt like I was attracted to them.

Recently there have been a couple of guys who I get along with pretty well and thought I fancied, but I had to ‘consider’ whether I was attracted to them! And I don’t think I do. Meanwhile, there’s a guy who I’ve thought was good looking for a while now, so I’m attracted to him. I don’t really know him but can’t imagine we would be ‘compatible’.

I don’t like the idea that I’m always going to choose good looking guys over personality. Or that my attraction is a result of someone finding me attractive – how desperate does that sound?!

Depression

Feeling a bit pathetic cuz my lecturer thought I should’ve done better in my last assignment.

I know he’s right. But I’m crap at academic writing. I started off thinking about this particular assignment purely in terms of real world situations, then decided I didn’t have enough theory, and it completely changed direction. Turns out that the one person I know who ignored theory for empirical stuff got a great mark.

It’s not about whether someone else did better than me. It’s not really about whether I did that well (even though I know I should). It’s really more about the fact that he told me I should’ve done better. About the fact that he seemed disappointed. His comments said it all: intellect of a distinction. Just not the clarity.

Other

Feeling much better about the post below. In fact, it only took a couple of hours to feel better. I knew it would.

In other news, I’ve decided to go back through my old travel posts and add photos. It’ll take some time though.

Other

I need to move on. This is ridiculous. I’m hanging onto the smallest thread and it’s about to break. It’s not as rosy as I like to make out, and it never would be. It was just fun to think that it might be one day.

Other

I’ve read loads of my blog posts today. Gone all the way back to the end of 2007 trip. It’s been quite nice going back over stuff, but I’ve noticed a few spelling errors! If I get the time I might go back and correct them.

It’s quite interesting to see how honest I am about my feelings in the more personal posts. And how much my feelings have changed since writing them. It’s still important though: I might not feel the same way anymore but I did at that time, and I like to remember that.

Depression Other

The despondent version of me is getting on my nerves. My week off and I’ve done so little. Doing so little in general. The “boo hoo I’ve got no one to go out with on a Friday night” shall make way for new thinking.

I have work, Pony Club, horses, horse shows coming up, first aid duties, a mother I don’t see too often, and friends to catch up with.

I’m so angry with myself for being so selfish and obsessed with having people to go out with on a Friday night. I’ve ignored the fact that I have plenty of friends I should be making time for. I could be spending weekends away rather than scratching around for people to hang out with and places to go.

Other

Today is a good day. The silence is broken. Two months since we stopped talking. Nothing is sorted, but there’s time for that. The point is we’re talking and that makes me happy.

I know my resolution said I was leaving them all in the past. I still feel strongly about him hurting my feelings. But I also miss his company and friendship. And it won’t be the same. We need to talk about what happened and so we’ll come to our feelings towards each other.